Close to My Heart

I hate this week.  The week of Mother's Day, followed by the anniversary of Lindsey's death (May 10th), followed by Mom's birthday (May 14th).  It's the one week when I really allow myself to feel.  Feel their absence, feel my heart ache, feel the loss of what could have been, and let myself cry whenever I want to.  It makes my heart tired.
Last month Marcus started to cry as I tucked him into bed.  He told me he wast starting to forget his Aunt Linz.  I gave him a big hug and told him it was okay, but I didn't cry about it.  I saved the tears from that moment for this week as I realized my memories of Lindsey are feeling more like pictures and stories shared by others than her in real life.  It's been three years and yet it still feels like I've been punched in the gut when I see something that triggers a memory of her.
Shortly after Mom was diagnosed with cancer, a friend gave me a necklace with two L's on it - one for Lindsey and one for my mom, LuAnn.  She told me to wear it as a reminder that they are always close to my heart.  I've worn the necklace nearly every day for a year.  Now I don't wear it as often, usually just when I'm really missing them.  I rub the charms between my fingers and remember.  Sometimes, if I'm lucky, it makes me feel better.