I feel unsettled.
Two months ago I was a pregnant mother of two boys. Then I went from prego to not-prego, mother of two became mother of three, and before that identity could settle in, we left Japan and flew to the opposite side of the planet and lived there for a month while I anxiously waited to hear what residency program would determine where we'd live for the next two years.
Then we got back from the States, readjusted to a killer time-change and a tropical climate and I suddenly became a mother of a kindergartner. Not just any kindergartner but a kindergartner who is in full-day kindergarten, rides a bus, and has to show his I.D. to get on and off that bus.
Now my morning routine has altered in ways I was never prepared for. I have to set my alarm clock for the first time in five years, unless Landon wakes me first, which he usually does. In the course of one hour I have to get all three boys fed and dressed with hair combed and teeth brushed, pack a lunch, dress myself, load two boys into the Chariot, and run to the bus stop.
You know what is the most unsettling thing? The wave of emotion I feel every time I watch my #1 walk up the steps of the bus after I hug him good bye. He always turns and waves with a nervous smile and big eyes that look like they might tear up at any second. He hesitates for a moment, half waiting for me to grab his hand and say, "Never mind. Don't go to school today. Stay home with me." But I don't say anything. Instead I just smile and watch him find a seat while resisting the temptation to take him off the bus and go back home where I know he is safe and happy.
Will I ever not miss this kid or wonder how he's doing at least ten time a day?
I was not prepared to be the mom at the bus stop, frantically waving and blowing kisses as the bus pulls away. I was not prepared to find myself running as fast as I could after that bus (pushing my Chariot with #2 and #3 so I really wasn't all that fast), in the hopes that I might get to wave one last time at #1 before the bus left the base. (Embarrassing, I know.)
But I didn't cry.
Motherhood is emotionally exhausting. Will I ever get used to it?
Part of me hopes not.
Oh. Oooooh. Everything you said resonates with me as a mom of another full-day kindergartener who has to get on the bus. I feel despondent everytime he leaves. It makes me sad to think of little Marcus looking at you with almost-tear-filled eyes. Who knew it would be this hard?? And it's only kindergarten.
ReplyDeleteI relate to much of what you said about this "new" phase of being a mom of a kindergartner. I don't even have a #3, but it's still quite the feat in the morning to get out the door. I've also found the whole social scene (as a parent) to be kind of overwhelming. I don't know if I am so cool anymore.... ;) When it was just the kids and me, I was super cool!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - you're in good company.
You are amazing. That is all. :)
ReplyDeletewhile i am crying for you.
ReplyDeletecan't ethan go jogging in his jammies??!!!
joy not scott crying.
Jeez Mel, I wanted to cry. I have a few years before Em goes and I am not looking forward to it.
ReplyDeleteMel, you should be a writer!!! I think by the time you get to the 5th one, it becomes easier if that is any consolation!
ReplyDeleteYou should have gone to boo hoo coffee group the first day of school. You did paint a great scene.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you didn't cry, I cried reading your story. Yeah, I'm pregnant, that's just the way it is. Thanks for sharing your sweat moments and embarrassing ones too. =)
ReplyDelete