Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Stick It To The Man

Bean heading off to school in the morning fog
As the calendar is moving closer to the holidays my heart is moving backwards.  Back to what life once was and wondering how I can accept what life is.  Life is busier now.  The mornings consist of organized chaos as I manage the clothing, feeding, piano practicing, and back-pack loading of the boys, ending with a mad dash to the bus stop. I realize I have entered a new phase of motherhood.  I'm no longer the naive, young mom who thinks motherhood is a breeze.  I'm getting older, my family is getting older, and the friends we are making are older.  I'm okay with all of this.  In fact, I think it's exciting.
But this new phase makes me think, "Mom would've loved to be a part of this," and is just one more of the many reminders that I'm a member of the I Don't Have a Mom Club.  But to prove that I'm getting used to that fact, I decided to "stick it to the man" and pulled out my sewing machine to finish a project.   I haven't sewn anything by myself since my Mom died because I wasn't ready to deal with all the memories of us sewing together.  She bought me my sewing machine as my graduation present when Randy finally graduated from dental school and whenever she came out to visit me we always sewed something. So on Saturday I sewed.  And it wasn't a big deal.  No tears shed.
Then I went to the grocery store and walked past a girl who reminded me of my little sister.  I did a double-take and then got mad at myself for allowing myself to think it was her.  As I grabbed the few items I needed, I heard the Miley Cyrus song "The Climb" being played over the sound system and before I knew what was happening I started to cry.  Tears running down my cheeks and everything!
I don't get it.  I can conquer my fear of sewing without Mom but I see a blond hair, blue-eyed girl in the grocery store while a song about mountains (Linz loved mountains) plays in the background and I lose all control.
Grief is a weird thing.
Having a ball at

6 comments:

  1. AprilOctober 12, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    That picture of Bean is awesome

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  2. ellenOctober 12, 2011 at 7:57 AM

    I loved this post. Come back to Boston and we can sew and sew and sew!

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  3. Erika Spjute GrayOctober 13, 2011 at 9:25 PM

    You are strong mel. I cry nearly every time I play the piano because I have the pic of Linz and Christ on it and I won't take it down. I think it just feels nice to just give it a good cry, sometimes.

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  4. joyful704October 14, 2011 at 10:06 PM

    love that your mom thought to get you a graduation gift...such a smart lady!!!

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  5. joyful704October 14, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    grief is weird.....i have been feeling old lately too, i need to call you. miss you all!!

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  6. Sweeney HouseholdOctober 21, 2011 at 7:12 PM

    I can relate to how mothering has changed as kids get older! Your writing always affects me. :)

    I remember seeing a man with one leg and crutches walking across the street on BYU campus one day. It had been years since my dad died (he also had one leg and crutches for a time), but I lost it right there on the way to class. Sobbing. We are human and grief is part of the way we cope with loss. Reading your blog always makes me MISS you. The good ol' days.....

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