He's a Boy

The ultrasound confirmed what we already suspected....baby No. 5 is a boy.  I mean, hooray it's a boy!!  The big day was scheduled for Wednesday and I had told just about everyone when to expect to hear the news so it was pretty cool when I rescheduled the appointment at the last minute because Randy didn't have work on Tuesday.  This was a blessing having the appointment a day early so we could let the news set in.
Randy and I had both been telling everyone we were planning on a boy, but I didn't realize how much I was planning on it not to be!  I mean, why else would this "surprise" pregnancy happen if it was just to have another boy?  We walked into the room and I told the tech she was about to tell us we were having our 5th boy or our first girl, and we really wanted to have a girl.  She wasted no time finding the right shot and as soon as it appeared she didn't say anything.  It took me about a second to see what I needed to see and say, "It's a boy.  Oh my gosh, it's another boy."  We were pretty quiet and I think I even smiled as we let it sink in.  I'm sure the tech was relieved when I didn't start sobbing or throwing things, and for the record, she never said it was a boy.  She just couldn't bring herself to say it, which I thought was hilarious.  At the end of the exam we had her double check just to confirm.  He's definitely a boy!
A few hours later I sent a text to my family with a single word:  Boy.

I hadn't figured out how I was going to tell the kids or anyone yet because I had figured it would be a girl and I wouldn't be able to contain my screams or excitement and just saying "GIRL!!" would suffice.  I quickly whipped up some blue cupcakes and after all the boys were home from school, we let them dig in.  Marcus's reaction was the best.  He was seriously so sad, which made me laugh and want to cry at the same time.  But I didn't cry.  The baby {Sheldon Balthazar, as he is lovingly referred to by the boys and yes, that name is temporary} is healthy and thriving.  I decided I absolutely did not want to make dinner so we went to Five Guys to announce our "5th Guy" on social media.

That night, my friend Monica who I went to San Fransisco with, stopped by with a carton of ice cream so we could eat and commiserate.  It was pretty awesome to drown my sorrows in ice cream and not have to put on a happy face.  But I didn't cry.
The next morning, at 4:30am to be exact, I woke up wide awake and just lay there staring out the window and thinking.  And then the tears came as the reality that I will never have a daughter sunk deep into my heart.  I will never do cute hair do's, go shopping for dresses and makeup, have a buddy when all the boys are camping, or go wedding dress shopping, and the list goes on and on.
The thought of buying more boy clothes, Lego sets, dinosaurs, sports equipment, and eventually air freshener for the teenage years makes me want to scream!!!!!  So I cried and cried and let it all out.  Then I got up and went to the gym and sweat the negative feelings out of my system.  I know I have much to be grateful for.  I think God has a sense of humor and a special place in heaven for women like me.  I also know that no matter how bad I mess up this whole parenting thing, people will never judge me because they'll just be thankful it's me and not them.  One of my friends compared me to Ann Romney so that was nice too. 
To Sheldon Balthazar who will some day read this, I already love you so much and I can't wait to snuggle you to my chest when we meet.  You will love your older brothers who are already arguing about which one of them will be your favorite brother. And I promise I will love you fiercely all your life, even if you aren't a girl.