My head is too full of thoughts and my heart is overflowing with emotions so I need to empty some of them out before I explode.
We've had a year to prepare for the end of the battle with cancer but I'm realizing nothing can prepare you to watch a loved one die. I was naive to think that just because your parents are supposed to die before you that somehow losing my mom wouldn't be as hard. Oh, I was so wrong! She's 53 years old but I think even if she were 85 I'd still feel like I've been robbed of time with her.
I know many people follow my blog for updates on my mom so I'll give you some of the details. Her liver has almost completely shut down. We were not prepared for how quickly her health would deteriorate. I had my last phone call with her, received my last email, and will have many more "lasts" in the coming days. In one week's time she went from feeling a lot of pain to sleeping in a hospital bed, using a wheelchair, getting taken care of by Hospice, and taking more pain medications than I thought humanly possible. Some days are better than others but there aren't many days left for her. We might celebrate Christmas early so she can be here with us.
I try not to think about the future as it makes me too sad, robs me of my sleep, and makes something as simple as breathing seem difficult. We are taking things one day at a time and grateful for the distraction of Christmas to fill our time. In fact, I have been so busy since I got here I think I might actually lose weight this holiday season. Now that's something to smile about!
