Remember

I was baking at midnight.  Not something I like to do but Randy needed me to make a batch of my delicious dinner rolls for his work potluck and I completely forgot about it.  So I was baking at midnight.  The house was quiet, there was no one around to distract or interrupt me, so I headed to the basement to unpack a box or two while I waited for the dough to rise.
The first box had a bunch of random stuff, thus the reason it was still waiting to be unpacked.  Inside it was my funeral scrapbook, the one with all the sympathy cards, obituaries, funeral programs, etc. from Lindsey's and Mom's passing.  I haven't opened it in months and decided it was long overdue.
I sat in the kitchen flipping through cards and photographs with tears running down my cheeks as the familiar aroma of homemade rolls filled the house, reminding me of days long gone sitting in the kitchen while my mom baked bread.  
The problem with heartache is it hurts so bad that when you finally figure out how to cope with it, you realize it's just easier to not think about what made you sad in the first place.  Your life continues to move forward, time is filled with things keeping you from dwelling on your sadness, and before you know it you've gone months without thinking of the loved ones who have gone.  At least that's what has happened to me.
It only took a few quiet moments for me to remember.  To remember a life with a complete family.  To remember how incredible Lindsey was.  How inspiring she was.  How fun and spontaneous she was.  And how I want to be like her.  I thought of my mom and how kind she was.  How easy she was to talk to and how she was the perfect mother to each of her kids and how I want to be like that.
Usually the holidays are a not-so-sublte reminder of the holes in my family and in my heart and it takes a lot of effort to enjoy the holidays and not wallow in self-pity and grief.  But this year I'm thankful for the reminder of my losses.  If I don't remember what I lost then I can't remember what I learned from those losses and that would be a true tragedy.