Mother's Day with Dad

Mother's Day wasn't so bad after all.  Randy went out of his way to make it awesome, shoving me out of the kitchen despite my resistance, and having Dad and Kathy here has been a lot of fun too.  I loved reading the cards from my boys and their love for me motivates me to want to improve myself, to be the kind of mom they need me to be.
I decided that if there is a positive thing about having an angel mother, it is that I think of her all the time--much more than if she were still here. 

Out for a Sunday stroll and the only picture of me on Mother's Day so I had to stick it in

Beaver Tail Park and lighthouse - a must see

Climbing around on a WWII bunker

Happy Birthday, Mom!  {National Zoo, 2006}

The Crappiest Week of the Year

Today marks Lindsey's passing.  It's been six years since my life and my family's lives were forever changed.  Time is a strange thing because it seems like it has been sixty years since I saw her last but my heartache is still as real and raw as if it has only been six days.  She died on a Saturday so  this year is extra painful as I can relive the horrible events exactly as they happened, hour by hour.
Last night I was alone.  Randy took the boys camping {best Dad ever}, so I had time to myself which is a rare thing.  I watched the movie Alicia made of Lindsey's life, complete with videos--so good to hear Lindsey's voice!  I cried so hard it brought me to my knees, much like I cried those first few days.  Seeing those old pictures of all of my family together, and always smiling, not because someone told us to smile for the camera but because we were just happy being together made me hurt more than anything.  What I wouldn't give to go back to that time.  To be that person that had no clue what lied in store for us.  I never felt like I took those good times for granted, I just hadn't experienced a true loss yet to know just how much I had.  I remember a few days after Linz died I asked a friend who had also lost a sister if I would ever see my parents smile again.  Would they ever lose those sad eyes?  Little did I know Mom would be diagnosed with terminal cancer before I ever got a chance to find out if happiness could return.
It hurts so much to see Lindsey only in photos.  To remember my Mom never getting that call on Mother's Day from her missionary daughter.  To remember Mom and Dad hugging when they received the call that Lindsey's body was being brought home.  To not be able to call my Mom and tell her happy Mother's day tomorrow.  To remember buying my mom a mother's day present six years ago - it was a beautiful dress for her to wear to her daughter's funeral.  How depressing is that?  To remember my mom's birthday a few days later and how we all tried to smile while she opened her presents when we knew the only thing she really wanted was to have her daughter back.
So I'm going to be sad today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.  I'm going to pretend like I'm not ready to bawl my eyes out all day and save it for my pillow at night so my kids don't think I'm crazy.  I know Mom and Linz would be rolling their eyes at my dramatics but I know where they are right now and that they are happy so they'll just have to sit back and watch while I get this out of my system.
Thanks for letting me vent.  And cry.

Four Years

Mom with Baby Ethan, talking on the phone to my sister

It was four years ago yesterday that my Mom passed away.  I hate that day.  I hate thinking about it, but at the same time it seems too big to not mention.
I spent last night watching the Broadway musical Wicked with Randy.  He surprised me with tickets for Christmas {love him!}.  As I sat watching it, I couldn't help but remember the first time I saw Wicked was when I was in London, watching it with my Mom.  It felt more than coincidental that I was watching it again, on the day of her passing.
I cried a lot.  Especially when they sang "For Good", which was sung at Lindsey's funeral and always reminds me of her.  Four years without a mom is a long time.  It feels like my wings were clipped and I've been struggling along ever since.  My mom was always so good at giving me just the right advice and the right criticism to see what I needed to do better.  She softened my rough edges which makes me wonder what I would be like if she were still here.