So Much Good

I've been grumpy all week.  Angry even.  I think it's because I miss my sister.  Lindsey's 31st birthday would've been last Sunday.  We watched the slideshow/movie we made of her life for the funeral with Randy and my boys and I cried.  Then we sang Happy Birthday to her and ate brownies. 
I've been thinking about her a bunch and was surprised to find out how many others were thinking of her too.  Her best friend posted a picture on Facebook and it was so fun to read all the comments of memories people shared.  Her life touched so many people and not because she died but because of the way she lived her life.  She was so full of adventure and fun, was so sincerely kind, and to top it all off she saw the bigger picture that this life is.  She loved others because she loved God and by being around her you felt of God's love.  I've never met anyone else like her.  Our family neighbors and friends all wore blue to church on Sunday in honor of Lindsey and several neighbors even brought gifts over to my dad.  And many thanks to my Boston friend, Ellen, who planned a sister missionary panel for her Young Women and one of the girls received a "fake" mission call to the Birmingham, England mission in Lindsey's honor.  How cool was that?  All of these acts remind me that she has not been forgotten.  And now I'm getting all weepy. . .
I took a video of a video so the quality isn't great but I absolutely love this little clip from her slideshow because it's like she's talking right to me.  Love you, Linz!

Thirty

 Yesterday would have been Lindsey's 30th birthday.  I tried to imagine what she would be like at thirty and I just can't.  Like I've said before, it makes no sense that someone that special, someone with so much love for life is no longer here. To commemorate her birthday the boys and I had an indoor picnic on the floor in the family room while we watched the video of her life.  Man, she was one of a kind!  We ate ice cream before bed just like Linz always did.  Although tears were shed, it felt good to think of her.
I tried to remember what I did for my 30th birthday so many years ago and realized I spent it in England.  So in a way, I guess that means I spent my 30th birthday with Linz which suddenly makes it much more memorable.  As I look back over the England pics she took and recognize the people and the sites because we went there too, I wonder how in the world we were ever able to go to England in the first place.  It was as painful as it was good.  Every place we went to and every person we met was a reminder that everything would've been better if Lindsey had been there.  I don't know how we weren't bawling our eyes out through the entire trip.  I think we had just gotten really good at plodding along through our grief and saving the tears for our pillows at night.

The Crappiest Week of the Year

Today marks Lindsey's passing.  It's been six years since my life and my family's lives were forever changed.  Time is a strange thing because it seems like it has been sixty years since I saw her last but my heartache is still as real and raw as if it has only been six days.  She died on a Saturday so  this year is extra painful as I can relive the horrible events exactly as they happened, hour by hour.
Last night I was alone.  Randy took the boys camping {best Dad ever}, so I had time to myself which is a rare thing.  I watched the movie Alicia made of Lindsey's life, complete with videos--so good to hear Lindsey's voice!  I cried so hard it brought me to my knees, much like I cried those first few days.  Seeing those old pictures of all of my family together, and always smiling, not because someone told us to smile for the camera but because we were just happy being together made me hurt more than anything.  What I wouldn't give to go back to that time.  To be that person that had no clue what lied in store for us.  I never felt like I took those good times for granted, I just hadn't experienced a true loss yet to know just how much I had.  I remember a few days after Linz died I asked a friend who had also lost a sister if I would ever see my parents smile again.  Would they ever lose those sad eyes?  Little did I know Mom would be diagnosed with terminal cancer before I ever got a chance to find out if happiness could return.
It hurts so much to see Lindsey only in photos.  To remember my Mom never getting that call on Mother's Day from her missionary daughter.  To remember Mom and Dad hugging when they received the call that Lindsey's body was being brought home.  To not be able to call my Mom and tell her happy Mother's day tomorrow.  To remember buying my mom a mother's day present six years ago - it was a beautiful dress for her to wear to her daughter's funeral.  How depressing is that?  To remember my mom's birthday a few days later and how we all tried to smile while she opened her presents when we knew the only thing she really wanted was to have her daughter back.
So I'm going to be sad today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.  I'm going to pretend like I'm not ready to bawl my eyes out all day and save it for my pillow at night so my kids don't think I'm crazy.  I know Mom and Linz would be rolling their eyes at my dramatics but I know where they are right now and that they are happy so they'll just have to sit back and watch while I get this out of my system.
Thanks for letting me vent.  And cry.

I Run

Early Saturday morning, I crawled out of my nice warm bed so I could drive up to Boston with my friend {she's from Farmington, UT!} to run in the BYU Alumni 5K.  The wind was bitter cold and I sprinted at the start just to try to warm up my body.  I even paid a $25 registration fee for this torturous run in the cold which probably sounds like a dumb thing to do, but it was fun.
I love to run. 
I'm not awesome at it by any means but I accepted my mediocrity a long time ago.  Speaking of a long time ago, I ran a marathon.  It took me a little over 4 hours to run and it made me so sick of running I vowed I'd never do another one.  Still haven't. 
Anyway,  I've had a couple awesome running experiences {read here}, but most of the time I'm just out running so I can cope--Cope with life, cope with death {read here}, cope with my kids, cope with my love of cheesecake {read here}, just to name a few.
Now, for the first time in ever, I have a couple running buddies.  We run together every Saturday morning, rain or shine.  We talk the whole time while we huff and puff and I love it.  It's the next best thing to running with my sisters.  Here's a few pics of me with my sisters back in the day when I could run fast simply because I was young and healthy. . . .those were such good days.  Sigh.

Wasatch Back Ragnar 2007 - The last photo of all 5 sisters together. 

Running the Farmington Festival 5K - a family tradition

Winning the 5K - Four of us placed in our age group.  We were young so we were fast!